and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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