Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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