That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
