Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
