I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
