I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
