i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
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