My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
no you cant smoke seaweed
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
