I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
