Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
