i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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