the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
