I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
