I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
barbara walters just said penis...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
