Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just gargled with NyQuil
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
