Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
