so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
