i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
