my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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