Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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