Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Randomize
