My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
