just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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