Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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