I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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