drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
