Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
