if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
