If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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