if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
