By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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