As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
