Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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