My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
