just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
