I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
