I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
