i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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