I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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