1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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