They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
