Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
