Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
