just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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