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• (305): View more from Florida

  I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

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• (323): View more from California

  Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.

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• (+44): View more from England

  You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.

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• (479): View more from Arkansas

  yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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• (601): View more from Mississippi

  I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

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• (307): View more from Wyoming

  I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.

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• (803): View more from South Carolina

  I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.

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• (573): View more from Missouri

  He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.

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• (802): View more from Vermont

  I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.

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• (260): View more from Indiana

  so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  guilty

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