This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
