he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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