Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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