Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
