I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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